The title of this blog could feel seemingly discombobulating…
If the answer to the question is “no”, read on. Surprised by the question and not sure? Read on.
When I was younger, my mother said to me that I was a seeker. A seeker, I thought. What does this mean?
I suppose there is only one description of what a seeker is. The dictionary says, “a person who is attempting to find or obtain something”. But, what we may be seeking varies from person to person.
I’ve spent over 30 years in the corporate world, in the high-tech industry. A very left-brain environment. A beautiful thing, but not my thing. 15 years in, I realised that my version of me wasn’t mine.
I was very good at my job. I had learnt to adapt and adopt, and I was very good at “showing up” in ways that were expected of me. This version of me happened to be my identity, but it wasn’t really me.
A peculiar feeling as I recognised that I had left a lot of myself off the table.
Sometimes we find ourselves living our lives according to other peoples’ expectations. Expectations that fit into a “box” of values that doesn’t quite sit right. We may not notice at first that that is what is going on, but over time something starts to niggle. And when we ignore that niggle, as we often do, it grows stronger and becomes a shove. And if we are of the stubborn kind and we still don’t acknowledge it, it will whack us over the head in some shape or form forcing us to see it.
On a scale between 0 (a niggle) and 10 (a whack over the head), my realisation scored in the 8-range. The waking up was uncomfortable. Not the waking up itself, but the realisation that I could not not do something about it.
I took action, but I did it in a safe way. I didn’t push myself too far too quickly. That said, eventually, lessons and experiences brought me to the point where it was time to really own being me. So, over the past 6 years I have made it part of my mission to uncover who “me” really is. To show up fully.
To show up with all that I am, full well knowing that this uncovering is an ongoing journey.
So, how do we uncover who we really are?
By accepting challenges. By setting challenges or tasks for ourselves that push us out of our comfort zone. By being vulnerable.
A few years ago, when a friend challenged me to do a Facebook Live, I panicked. The warning lights came on. This was very much out of my comfort zone. Pre-recorded videos were OK, however, a live video meant that thinking on my feet would be required.
The first obstacle: As an introvert I prefer to think about things before I speak. I prefer time to process things, to allow thoughts and insights to piece themselves together before I share them.
A live video would mean no planning, no processing, just doing.
The second obstacle, and the core of the issue: Some of you will know that following inner guidance and intuition is a way of life for me and it is central in my work, but it doesn’t show on the outside. I can hide it, or “dress it in logic” so as to disguise it a bit. Thinking on my feet in a live video would mean no more hiding. Eeek!
After some serious trepidation I did the live video (and have done many more since). I placed myself in that vulnerable situation and found that I expressed more of “me” than I had ever done before. And it was incredibly freeing.
Challenges like this have helped me to bring all of myself to the table, and to not be so much in my head. Embracing who YOU want to be, your own version of you, is an enlightening, insightful, and happy journey to be on.
My answer to what I have been seeking?
Finding my voice and having the confidence to “show up”, to use it. To accept the real version of who I am.
As I continue to explore and get to know my version of me, what about you?